Telling the Children?

One of the most difficult things to face when someone is imprisoned is what to tell the children, but it is important that you talk to your child about what is happening.

Children who are not told where their parent is can become confused, as they often sense that something has happened which they don't understand. They may think that they aren't allowed to ask questions and imagine things, which will worry them more. There is also the danger that they will find out some other way.

By talking to your child you will be able to reassure them. You may still see changes in your child's behaviour as they come to terms with what has happened, but they will know that you will listen.

When is the right time to tell my child What has happened has Happened?
There is no right time or way to tell your child. However it is best to get things out into the open as soon as possible. Your child may already know and understand more than you realise.

You will need to plan some of what you are going to say - each child is different and you are the best judge of when and how they should be told. If you have more than one child you will need to tell them all, but in a way that each understands. The most important thing is that you have time when you won't be disturbed to answer their questions and to comfort them.

How shall I tell them?
All children will want to know where their parent is and why - it is important that they do not see them as a bad person, even if they did do something wrong. They will need reassuring that they are safe and that they will be able to see or talk to them. Children often see themselves as to blame in some way. They need to know that they are not.

It may be helpful to share what you are feeling, as your child is likely to experience changing emotions and they need to know that's okay. Try not to give children too much information in one go - they are bound to have questions and will need time to take in what you have said.

What if I have a very young child?
Babies and young children will obviously not be able to understand what has happened, but you can still talk to them about Mum/Dad and about seeing them. As they begin to understand more you can talk about what has happened, using simple words.

After you have told your child, the most important thing is to listen to them. If they don't want to talk about it don't force them. Offer reassurance and let them know that you are there for them.

Should I also talk it through with someone else I am close to?
You may also need someone close you can talk it through with. Ideally you should discuss it with the child's father/mother so that you are both ready for any questions or reactions, which your child has.

It may be helpful for your child to have a second person who they feel they can trust - a relative, friend or teacher. There may be things that they feel unable to tell you straight away - perhaps because they are worried that it will upset you.

How will my child cope with what other people say?
Unfortunately you may not be able to stop other people knowing about your situation which means that there may be times when you will have to help your child deal with people saying or doing things which upset them. They will need your support and reassurance that they have done nothing wrong.

Living with the truth is not easy and there will be times when you need someone to turn to - if you have no-one close and want to talk to someone, please telephone us on 0808 808 2003. There are also organisations listed under the Useful Organisations database on this who are there to help and listen.

Should I take my child to visit?
Enabling a child to visit their parent in prison is an important way of helping them come to terms with being separated from them.

There is no easy way to prepare a child and it will take time and thought. If you have more than one child they will all need reassurance, but may have different questions and concerns.

Some children may not want to visit and they should not be forced, but they will need to talk about the decision they have made.

What if I am anxious about what will happen?
If you are anxious about visiting yourself, try and find someone who will go with you. If you definitely do not want to visit, but your child does, you will need to arrange for someone else to take them.

What should I tell them about visiting a prison?
There will be a lot to explain about the visit - this may be the first time your child has a real sense of where their parent is. It is best to be as truthful as possible - they may already know and understand more than you realise.

Children of any age need to be prepared for what the prison is like. It is important that you explain about the security measures: searches, locking doors, people in uniforms - even sniffer dogs. Visit rooms are all different, but they can be very noisy and busy places.

Maybe I should visit the prison first?
It can be helpful to visit on your own first so you know what to expect. It will also mean that you can talk through the visit with their father/mother. They should be able to give you the information you will need when planning the visit. This may include the following:

• Are there play facilities in the visitors centre or prison?
   
• What types of visits are available-is there a better time to bring children, e.g for Children's or Family Visits
   
• Is there anything for older children to do?
   
• Can the children touch their father and move around?
   
• What can the children take in, e.g. pictures, photos, letters?
   
• What about pushchairs, nappy-changing and feeding?

If you have other questions you should contact the prison or its Visitors Centre.

Is there anything I can do to prepare fo the visit with my child?
It is important to plan your journey, especially if you have a long distance to travel. It can be an anxious time as the visit draws near. Keeping your child amused during the journey by packing a few favourite toys, books or games should prove helpful.

Visits are different at each prison and their length will vary. Some can be very short and it is important that your child is prepared for that.

When you arrive in the Visits Room it may take your child time to settle - if there is a play area, make sure the child knows where you will be sitting. Children will need time to talk about their news, ask questions or just to sit with their Mum/Dad. It is important that they have the opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings with them.

What will happen at the end of the visit?
The time may pass very quickly and leaving at the end of a visit can be very difficult. A child needs to know that they can keep in touch either through visits, telephone calls or by letter - planning when and how that will happen is important.

How will my child be feeling after the visit? It is impossible to predict how children will react after a visit. Some may need to talk about it, others may become quiet. All children will need reassurance and to know that you are ready to listen.

You may see other changes in their behaviour, which are more difficult to deal with. This is likely to be a sign that they are having to deal with many different feelings - sadness, frustration, helplessness and even anger. They may direct that anger at you, but that is because you are closest to them.

As a parent facing a difficult and often unknown situation there may be times when you feel in need of support. If you do not have anyone close you feel you can turn to please telephone us on 0808 808 2003 or look at the list of organisations who are there to help and listen on our Useful Organisations database.

Useful Publications

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The information contained here is taken from the leaflet set, My Mum's in Prison / My Dad's in Prison, which are available from the Central Office of the Ormiston Children and Families Trust.

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